Tag Archives: courage

Self-Doubt & Play

There was a couple of days last week when I was feeling it. Doubt came for a visit.

I danced with Doubt for a while before I realized that the rhythm was all off between the two of us and I needed to look for another partner. Play showed up at that point and I haven’t looked back.

A couple of my friends shared with me that Doubt is often a sign that it’s time to go in another direction. Oh, that makes sense, I thought. I felt lifted and was able to pull myself out of the hole I was in.

I realized that my direction is not linear but has many different spirals and loops. I don’t have to run to the end of the road. I can release my expectations and ride along just enjoying the view for a while before planting my feet again firmly on the ground. There is no need for re-solution as I travel.

I am attempting to write in draft form without editing as I go along. It is harder than I thought to let go and just get it out. It is also a challenge to not look at other resources or do re-search as I write.

Attempting. Good practice.

Since giving Doubt the boot!

  • I am focusing on the ways I attend to and care for each moment. Each time I give my all to any one life event or relationship it feels so much more satisfying than when I am trying to do it all, flitting from this to that.
  • I am noticing when my neck stiffens, my breath is shallow. When I hold my breath and am not opening up to what is…
  • I am giving myself permission to play, explore, be curious, go on a grand adventure, take myself out on a play date. There is no perfect way to do anything. All I can do is give it a go and make the best of it. Practicing and deepening my resolve to fully savor each moment, task, conversation, mundane or meaningful pursuit seems to be what is up for me.  On my way to any new directions.

I may be leaving behind something I have held close for a long time. It is going to take some amount of care and wisdom to pull this off.

I am really not sure. But then, who is?

I can give myself all the permission in the world to play, fiddle, rip into, take a huge bit of life, go for it! No one can take that away from me. It’s mine.

Commitment is not a one time only deal. I am re-committing again and again to noticing what no longer serves and, then, making my way to where my heart leads me.

 

Deep in the Muck: To Be Courageous + En-Courage-ing

[ctt template=”5″ link=”CX20s” via=”no” nofollow=”yes”]On my Knees and in the Muck[/ctt]

Courage today feels like a crawl in the muck on my  hands and knees

like so many women who give birth while allowing gravity to do all the work.

 

birth can take place too fast and a woman feels ripped apart. or she can slow down and breathe.

This woman trusts her gut and doesn’t know whether others will like her and what she creates…

it’s not any of her business what they like…

This woman eliminates quickly what is not needed so that there is room for what is meant to come into the world.

Birth is messy. There is that business of elimination, tears, sweat, fluids running down the legs, first milk dripping from breasts. There is moaning, cursing, yelling, and primal vocal sounds that call out the names of our many ancestors who have gone before us.

At 64, I am playing in the muck of who I am becoming…

I am continuing to birth. This time I am birthing a courageous woman. an encouraging woman.

  • Do I have enough courage to share what I find meaningful so others may benefit from the de-light of my understanding?
  • Can I stay open and not act out of fear so that the story continues to unfold or will I shut down and end the story prematurely?
  • Am I courageous enough to forgive myself?

I am in the muck. I feel like I am being carried by a mudslide to its end where I will be buried alive. No, I find my way to flow and I am able to ride it out.

The sun comes out from behind the dark clouds and I breathe…

I don’t have the answers. First listen. Slow down. Ask for help. There are helpers out there. You don’t have to do this alone. Being courageous doesn’t mean moving fast or taking action without the information you need. Wait. Be patient. Cry as the tears come.

 

 

 

 

 

Tell the Story of Who You Are With Your Whole Heart

Important Question: What is keeping me from completing my memoir?

Psyche’s Answer: You must give birth to and release what you have been carefully nurturing for soooo long!

Courage: to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart

In 1987 I released my newborn into the waiting arms of his adoptive mom.

30 years later, I am struggling to release the story of who I am and what I am becoming…

After my mom died in 2008 I dreamed:

In the middle of the front yard of our home there are large stones that spell out a word:

The word is COURAGE


I became the Goddess without the feminine ground that would return me to humanity. 
I am beginning to understand the power of archetype. I am conscious and making choices YES!
This morning I wrote down a new writing schedule in my journal. These hours will be devoted to writing and preparation for birth.
I begin to page through the edited version of my manuscript and I see the words
bird
raven 
butterfly
and am able to fly, and dive deep, anew…and where I never imagined possible, until now. ~synchronicity in the moment of writing/excerpt from a friend’s email

I am doing what needs to be done to complete my memoir, perform my life, discover more…
My surrogate son’s 30th birthday is Saturday. This is the first birthday I am able to wish him a
Happy Birthday!
 I am celebrating my son’s life, our story.
What I said yes to…
I will never say yes to again…
AND…
I am the woman, I am today because of my experience as a surrogate mother
AND
because I play
because I create
because I write… I am READY to complete a lengthy work filled with story, images, dreams, and letters.
I am READY to deepen my work and accept the challenge of completing my work. It is difficult to write about completion and release…there’s a lot for me to learn. This is another step in making sense of what holds me back. Not wanting to let go has brought me to tears, sobbing, many times. I can do this!
IMAGINE what will birth next?!
I’m going to keep writing and watch to see what synchronicities emerge. Undoubtedly many of these connections will bring difficulties and challenges + de-light!
Want to find out more about our Memoir Project? Great! 
 

Share Your Story with your Whole Heart

Turning the page and finding so much more…

IMG_8832

Openness

Generosity

Bravery

Playful, Action Steps

vulnerability is not weakness

= courage

vulnerability-coeur-heart

the willingness to do something when there are no guarantees

vulnerability is the way to live

Judging by the amount of time it is taking me to write this post I am both desiring and struggling to be vulnerable on the page.

I want to share what I’ve collected or what has captured me with my whole heart but am I willing to share my vulnerabilities when there are no guarantees?

Can I continue to write, perform, share, teach, offer help, give, reach out, do the best I can without guarantees?

So many times I am unsure if anyone is really wanting to connect. To create real connection.

People close to me tell me that I’m taking too much of a risk. Be yourself, ha!

This week I found myself sharing in-person and here about how I found my way back to play, re-claiming play in my life, after years of achieving degrees, analytical hours, and striving to achieve. Yes, those  years are valuable and helped me become who I am today…

AND

when I was called back to PLAY and understood that life’s playfulness and creativity, wild imagination and dreams were there for me so that I could learn and develop…become….individuate…

THAT’S WHEN IT ALL HAPPENED

Pushing, Cautiousness, Criticism, Comparison weren’t getting me anywhere I wanted to go…

What does Vulnerability mean to you? Share in the Comments or Email Me to schedule an individual, customized play-based retreat:

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